I hate Christmas and New Years. I just want to skip it this year. A few years ago I spent the day before Christmas throwing up (hey hey stomach flu). Almost wish that would happen again this year so I can skip Christmas. I don't want it to happen the day before though, because I'm seeing U and I'm looking forward to that. But the day after, why not?

Aside from a few good hours the other day this week has been horrible. The week before that was alright, but only because he tricked me. The last few days have been a disaster. I've been crying to the point where I can't breathe anymore. I've been hitting my hips (made sense at the time) and hitting my head on purpose against the radiator (also made sense at the time).

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm going crazy here and no one knows and no one cares. The other day, when I very briefly explained the last few weeks to U, she told me that I could talk to her about it, that she wanted me to. I don't know.  I wouldn't even know where to begin. It's  too much. There's too much she doesn't know, too much I wouldn't even know how to begin to explain. She's been gone for a year and a half. Well not really gone, but we have barely talked. S on the other hand is different. He knows everything. But he's getting fed up with me talking about it. So as for now, I'm stuck here by myself with a million questions and thoughts that no one knows about. I hate it.